Tom the Cat and Marilyn

By the 20th century, Tom the Cat was tired. He had seeded humanity on planet Earth and had done his best to keep the hairless bipeds on the path set forth by the Creator. With the help of Heisenberg, he had prevented Nazi-controlled Germany from obtaining the nuclear bomb, but due to a miscalculation on his part, he had inadvertently started the Cold War. Most likely because of his own goodness, he thought that humans would naturally choose peace over war, but he had sorely overlooked one thing: evil. While evil is a real force in itself, it does the most harm when it infects the hearts and minds of humans. The great evil that had infected Adolf Hitler and his followers had not been destroyed; it continued to move across the world, seeking new places to take root and cause harm. During Project Paperclip, many of those infected by this supreme evil were welcomed into the heart of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

Tom the Cat had a brain the size of a planet and a much larger heart, filled only with love. Yet, he now realized that even an enlightened and intelligent soul must take the time to rest. But there was no time for that now.

Tom the Cat understood that the CIA was very close to achieving what he had long worked to prevent: global nuclear war. The CIA’s plan began in earnest with the Bay of Pigs invasion and was now nearing its final stage before Armageddon—the Cuban Missile Crisis. Tom realized that he had to reach President Kennedy before it was too late. But being a cat presented a multitude of difficulties. So in need of rest, and to take time to think, Tom moved to California and started living with a young woman named Norma Jean. Tom was quite smitten with her, perhaps because she possessed one of the most valuable things in all the universe: the innocence of a child. This type of innocence was slightly less rare and slightly less valuable than the most precious thing of all—true love.

When the studio asked Norma Jean to change her name, she sought guidance from Tom. Tom explained to her that, in reality, life is more like a game. Sometimes, to play a certain role or achieve a goal, a human must change their costume, hairstyle, or makeup. The Creator had designed the human body to be perfect in form and function, Tom explained, but had also purposely left room for humans to alter their appearance to better fit certain roles without need to alter the underlying physical form. Throughout history, every human who took Tom’s advice had stood out in the annals of time—and Norma Jean would be no exception. Over time, Norma Jean changed her name to Marilyn and became quite famous.

One evening, while Marilyn was doing her hair and Tom sat in her lap, Marilyn commented on how wonderful it was that Tom the Cat smelled just like fresh sugar cookies. Tom looked up at her and returned the compliment, saying that her bouquet was wonderful as well. Tom explained that, for cats, two of the most important aspects of a successful relationship were the smell of the other’s body and the sound of the other’s voice. For some reason, it was that comment that proved to Marilyn just how wise her feline friend was.

Against his better judgment, Tom the Cat decided to tell Marilyn about the predicament the human race was in. As he explained how absolutely necessary it was for him to communicate with President Kennedy, Marilyn smiled. She explained that, for months, President Kennedy had been sending her notes asking for rendezvous. Tom, before realizing how dangerous this could be for her, accepted her offer, and soon the three of them were scheduled to meet in Washington, D.C.

During that meeting—attended by President Kennedy, his brother, Attorney General Robert Kennedy, Tom the Cat, and Marilyn—Tom explained that evil had infiltrated the CIA and that the evil within the agency was pushing for all-out global thermonuclear war. Even though everyone in the meeting had been sworn to secrecy, the CIA was secretly monitoring. While global thermonuclear war was averted, President Kennedy and Attorney General Kennedy were not successful in shutting down the CIA. Over time, it was the CIA that took the lives of every human in that meeting.

The night, when the agency drugged Marilyn, Tom the Cat was there. Heartbroken that he had been forced to sacrifice Marilyn to save the world, he was truly grateful that he could be with her as she made her journey from this world to the next. Marilyn, now slightly woozy from the drugs, looked into Tom’s eyes—which were green with sadness—and asked him what his real name was. Tom then revealed his spirit name, the name given to him by the Creator: Boog da Shnoog, he whispered as Marilyn fell soundly and painlessly asleep beside her orange furry companion.

In the twinkling of an eye, Norma Jean awakened in the realm of the Creator, a place where everyone understood the incredible value of her innocence. There, she found the true love she had sought throughout her human life. Tom the Cat seemed melancholic as he told me the tale of Marilyn. He explained how, after her loss due to his own miscalculation, he had wanted to stop trying to help correct the course of the human race. Too many humans had started ignoring the guidance of the Great Spirit. Evil had convinced too large a percentage of the masses that it simply did not exist. Instead of protecting the innocence of children and understanding the value of true love, far too many humans not only allowed evil to have its way but, in many cases, assisted it in achieving its goals.

I gave Tom the Cat a scritchy scratch behind his ear as I spoke to him from my heart, not from my mind. “My furry child,” I said, “My dear Boog da Shnoog, our lives have been full of wonder, joy, and happiness. And here we sit together in our comfortable dacha on Blue Mountain, with not an iota of fear, hate, or regret in our souls. Evil only wins when it causes the soul to hate or be afraid. I know that both of us love all those who tried to do us harm, and even now, we would still do all we could to help them.”

For the first time in a long while, Tom the Cat started to purr. As I got up from in front of the fireplace to walk across the room to prepare another Stoli martini for myself, I opened a can of tuna for Tom the Cat.